: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
