Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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