YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
