why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
