This dress was meant to end up on your floor
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Even my vagina gasped.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
