I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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