Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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