Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
