I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
