i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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