Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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