god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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