You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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