I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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