I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
