if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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