he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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