i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
