You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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