the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize