in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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