We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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