Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
