Buhtt sex?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
