my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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