I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
