Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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