i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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