turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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