hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
