Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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