we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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