Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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