i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
