What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
