you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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