I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
