i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
