dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
