You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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