i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
