you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
