im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You don't make any sense
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