I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
