I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
