It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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