I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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