Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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