Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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