I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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