Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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