Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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