Betty ford says i'm here all night
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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