Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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