This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
