my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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