Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
