Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Randomize
