Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
